I've been writing this post slowly over the past couple of days trying to clear my head of all the thoughts I'm having at the moment. I still don't think I'm managed it properly now, but I'm hoping that this post makes some sort of sense of how I've been feeling on a couple of occasions lately. I've been thinking a lot recently. About my races this year, thoughts of succeeding, that I may be under prepared, crossing the finish lines and being the best I can be. I've not really been thinking negativity or had thoughts of quitting, but I have been worrying. I would say I'm perhaps naturally a bit of a pessimist. I sometimes think the worse because then you won't be disappointed if it does happen, right? But other times I'm hugely optimistic and raring to go.
In short am I too competitive and hard on myself that I need to achieve the best every single time I do something in order to feel I've done a good job? This may be my problem, causing that worry. The fear and worry of failure.
For some of my training recently I've had a little bit of a fear. Something niggling at me in the back of my mind, not pushing me but not holding me back much either. Keeping me in the same place. No progress forward or back. Last Sunday I was meant to go out for a training bike ride. For some reason I was too scared to go. Deep down I had a fear encase it didn't go well or I couldn't finish. I didn't go for the ride. Something was holding me back and I'm not happy that I let that happen. I wasn't ready for it then, but I am now. When the cycle comes it may not be my best one ever but I still went out and did it. I will make every effort to make it my best one and even if it's not then at least I got out there and did it.
Other times I'm feeling high on the variety of exercise c experimenting with new things, and improving on old ones. That high is what I need to remember. Not the days where things didn't go so well (we all have those). I can't dwell on the past when I have so much to look forward to and focus for on the future.
I'm not a quitter. I will push on.
Training may be hard. The goal is set but the journey is where you really have to dig deep and make every second count. Each day is a learning curve. Use each experience to improve, build and develop. That's how we progress in life. We learn from the areas we weren't so happy with and use them as tools to get to our destinations. Reaching any goal takes time. I have the determination to succeed (I always have) I just need to remember that. Leave the negative thoughts behind and let the positive ones through a lot more.
I have to build up to it. Dedicate the time, hours and effort. I'm already doing that - so I will carry on doing that.
In the end it will all click. Every early morning, the sore muscles, all those hours spent training. They'll all fall into place. I'm looking forward to each arm stroke, each push of the pedal and each step hitting the floor as I run.
All of it leading to the moment of sheer happiness, of success and crossing each and every finish line. The relief and feeling of pride that will occur knowing I've pushed my body and achieved something amazing. Whether it be completing a 10k c a half marathon or something bigger.
I am more than ready for the tears, ready for the pain and ultimately ready to succeed.
I know I can. And I will.
Ahh hun! You sound like an over thinker like me! I put myself off of things especially when I know it could be hard or not work out or whatever. I am the opposite of competative as in I don't do a lot of things because I assume I can't / will be rubbish / will lose. As you got more positive again at the end I was like 'hell yeah!' Always ALWAYS go for it! You will never regret a training session even if it wasnt your best one, you will regret not going though. You can only do your best and if you are doing that then be proud of yourself. Xxx
ReplyDeleteI totally recognise this problem because it happens to me all the time. I'm trying to remind myself these days that if deep down you're a driven person, and it sounds like you are, then you can't really help but do what you set out to do. It's embedded in who you are.
ReplyDeleteThese days I feel more like I am along for the ride which means I just pay attention to the fun I have along the way. I don't find it easy to do but it's helping with the worry and the fear because I start to notice how much I have achieved. I realise that I will carry on achieving as long as I am just me. What I am getting better at is enjoying the ride.
hth